Title: The missing
bracelet
By
Author: Marianna Heusler
Tag line: Ms.
Hopper liked being a detective even less than chaperoning teenage girls!
Police characters: None.
The gist: Samantha announced that her new gold bracelet
is missing. She is with a group of three
other teens at the zoo on a class trip.
She claimed she took it off in the washroom by the lion house because
the clasp was loose. She set it on the
sink and when a mouse scurried by the girls all fled and she forgot all about
her birthday bracelet. It was a hot day
but one of the girls wore a long sleeved shirt, claiming she had skin allergies
to the sun. Samantha went back to the washroom
while the girls waited and drank water, but did not find her bracelet. The janitor had closed the door and put up
yellow tape when they left because he was going to work on the clogged drains,
but he let Samantha back in to look for it.
He claimed he never saw it. The
three girls emptied out their backpacks and pockets but no bracelet. Ms. Hopper knew where it was.
Crime scene: Zoo.
Clues: One girl was wearing long sleeves on a hot
day.
Suspects: Well,
it can’t be the two girls who emptied their backpacks and pockets…unless one of
them swallowed it. So that leaves the
janitor or the girl with long sleeves.
Or, of course, Ms. Hopper.
Red herrings: A small one.
The janitor claimed he never saw the bracelet and that the drains were
clogged, but then he tells Ms. Hopper maybe the bracelet fell down the drain
and he says the bracelet is long gone.
So which is it, Mr. Janitor?
Solution: The girl with the long sleeves is wearing
the bracelet.
My two cents: It could have been the
janitor. He didn’t empty out his
pockets.
Instead of
wearing long sleeves in the heat and calling attention to yourself, as opposed
to rolling them up like a normal person, why doesn’t anyone ever think to stick
the goods in their bra? Just an observation. That’s where I’d put it. Not on my wrist.
This story
was laid out well and read well. There
were many spots that were “show not tell” moments. Everyone was cranky from the
heat, even the janitor, but the author never said what the temperature was or
even told us it was hot. She used deep
POV to get the message across. The author had the girls collapsing on the ground,
reaching for water bottles, and fanning themselves with zoo maps. One girl even suggested waiting in the
reptile house because it was cool in there. Another girl complained her tank
top was sticking to her. The janitor had perspiration stains on his shirt and
his face was red. Very nice deep POV work
on this story.
The title
was lame. The missing bracelet? That couldn’t have been the author’s
choice. After turning in such a well constructed
story, I doubt she would fall apart at the title.
It was kind
of obvious where the bracelet was but I still enjoyed the journey. I’m
going to give it five stars for the good writing.
20 comments:
And it was a different scenario. I am so tired of dead bodies and women detectives. I have never met a female police detective, not to mention the dozens that appear in WW mysteries.
Jody, I just tried out your language translations. What a great program. Anyone in the world can read your reviews on this blog. My only problem was how to get back to English.
This one bowled along nicely, and I agree about the clever revealing of the scene. We felt the heat without it needing to be said in so many words. I guessed that it was going to be the girl with the long sleeves that had swiped the bracelet and was half-hoping that would be a red herring and it would be one of the others who had shoved it in her bra... or that the janitor was right and it hadn't been stolen but was the cause of the blocked drain. Still, we can't have it all.
I thought this was a cute, well-written story (I also wondered who titled it), and I agree the different scenario was welcome. (Mine tend to have the same one; I'm in a rut.) (I left you a response on last section, Jody; was out in the 'burbs for two days and didn't see the blog.)(Do I have enough parens in my message here?)
@ Mary Jo. Did you get back into English? Go back to the translator and ask for English. It's the first on the list instead of alphabetical. That is a fun option. I've played with it also.
Being in the business I know a lot of female detectives. IMO they bring a nice touch of humanity to the job. Men tend to be all business and machismo. I remember one who had pink handcuffs. Cops in Mass were issued one set at graduation but once they lose them, they had to buy their own. I think someone gave them to her but she said in handcuffing situations where there is more than one perp and more than one cop you have to get your handcuffs back after the bad guys are in booking cells. She said the silver ones are hard to tell apart (many have their initials in them for that reason) and after she lost a pair or two she started using the pink ones. Easy to tell who owns them. And the guys would never take them either accidentally or on purpose. She also wore killer shoes when she came in for depos. :)
@ Chris. I know, right? It was kind of an easy clue. It would make a killer red herring. Wouldn't it be fun if she rolled up her long sleeves and didn't have it on? Somehow we'd have to make it the janitor and leave a good clue. Then the story would have been perfect. But... I don't have six stars :)
@ Tamara.
John uses the same scenario and it sells just fine.
PS One more parens would have been nice.
Jody, I did not see any English on the translate list, neither at the top nor alphabetical. I just closed the blog and then came back to it and it was in English again.
How old were these girls anyway? I supposed early middle school age. Maybe eleven or twelve. Old enough for lipstick? But they probably did not wear a bra yet. So cancel that hiding place.
Great idea for colored handcuffs. Do you think WW would go for that?
Oh, I see if you click on the very small "translate", it will take you to a place where you can choose English. All this technical stuff!
@ Mary Jo. re: colored handcuffs. Who knows what WW will go for. Try it..just not in the bedroom. :) I know that will come back so fast it will still have Patricia's warm breath on it.
@ Mary Jo. I was thinking high school field trip the way they were complaining and moaning...
Jody, if you put that lady detective in a WW mystery, I would love to read it. In the magazine, in print, I mean. Do you suppose they would buy it? Little Miss Twinkle Toes in her four inch heels and the pink handcuffs hanging on her belt. Detectives aren't in uniform, are they?
I would also like to see that story, Jody. I could see them buying it.
@ Mary Jo. No, detectives don't wear uniforms. Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. Who's going to believe a cop has pink handcuffs? You'd have to see it to believe it. We always looked forward to her coming in though...to see what killer shoes she had this time. PS She wouldn't wear the shoes to work the streets, just when she had court.
It wouldn't hurt to wear them if she was investigating a crime scene, would it? Not as if she would have to chase someone down the street. I am looking forward to your story with this lead character. What is her name? Does she wear glued on eyelashes, too?
@ Mary Jo. I can't give you her real name, but she's about 5'7", white, blonde, in shape. She wears a little makeup...she doesn't need much. No false eyelashes. She does keep her hair styled, short bob, and she does do her nails, short and flat ends with red polish. She often comes in to testify while she's on the clock. When that happens she has on long black pants, military style with the fullness around the ankles, black boots...good for chasing bad guys, a dark t-shirt that says Sheriff's Department on it in big yellow letters front and back, her gold badge is hanging around her neck on a cord, she has her police issued weapon on her hip, and it's a big one, and those pink handcuffs hooked to the back waistband of her pants. She's a hoot. See photo at top of blog...
Yeah, I noticed the handcuffs right away. I meant, what name would you give her in your new series of WW Mysteries. Better not make her too identifiable...writers are liable for all lawsuits. She sounds great, though.
@ Mary Jo. Well, I hadn't thought about it. Any suggestions?
I am thinking her name might be Lola. My neighbors' little granddaughter is named Alora, so you might like that. I think the parents made it up.
Oh, oh, I see we are back to those unreadable code words now. What happened?
@ Mary Jo. I think Alora was the name of the pretty red-headed baby in Willow.
I don't have any control over those security code thingys. At least I don't think I do...now, I'm going to have to go look.
I see you are right, though I never saw Willow. According to some references, the name was actually Elora. Anyway, I favor the name Lola for the detective.
Wonder if WW would actually buy your lady cop in a story? I think readers would like her. As you say, she is really a hoot.
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