Title: An unwelcome
guest
By
Author: Tracie Rae Griffith
Tag line: An
open window and a missing watch told Ella Edwards there was trouble afoot!
Police characters: None.
The gist: Great Aunt Theresa invited her nephew and
niece over for tea and to meet her friend Ella. The niece left the table at one
point to fetch more tea in the kitchen. The
nephew left the table to retrieve a rare book from the living room that Aunt
wanted to show Ella. While the two were gone, Aunt told Ella that she had
decided to leave all her worldly goods to her niece and nephew, including her
money, some jewelry and her grandfather’s antique gold watch which was quite
valuable. She hadn’t told them about
their inheritance yet.
Suddenly a
hoarse shout echoed through the house followed by a loud thump. The sounds
appeared to be coming from the living room and the two ladies ran in that
direction. They found the nephew sprawled face-up on the floor, his eyes shut
and his arms thrown wide. A few feet away on the floor lay a large leather- bound
book. He sat up and rubbed his head. At
this time the niece appeared in the doorway with a pot of tea asking what
happened.
The nephew
said he was standing in front of the bookcase looking for the rare book when he
heard a noise. He claims he saw a dark
figure behind him reflected in the mirror and he pointed to an ornate mirror on
the wall. Although he didn’t get a good
look, he thought it was a man. This man hit him on the head and shoved him to
the floor. When the aunt looked around
she realized her precious gold watch was missing from its display case. The nephew pointed to an open window and
claimed the man must have escaped through it.
Ella pointed
at the nephew and demanded to know where he had hidden the watch. How did she know?
Crime scene: Aunt Theresa’s home.
Clues: The way the nephew fell to the floor.
Suspects: The nephew. Or some unknown burglar.
Red herrings: None.
Solution: If
the nephew had indeed been hit in the back of the head, he would have fallen
forward, not backward. The watch was
found hidden behind some books.
My two cents: Here we have a mystery
with no police involvement and basically only one real suspect. It’s a little unusual for WW. There were no red herrings. At first I pictured him browsing through a
large bookcase and thought the man in the mirror story was his downfall because
how could he see into a mirror that was behind him? I guess it must have been a
smaller bookcase with the mirror on the wall next to it because the mirror wasn’t
a clue at all. Kudos to the author for
the misdirection if that was intentional.
I've said it before...WW just LOVES little old ladies.
The motive was
missing. Why would this man steal from
his aunt?
It would
have made a more interesting story if the niece was included as a suspect as
well. When the older ladies ran into the
living room, the niece could have been in there already throwing a little doubt
her way. You could even have the friend,
Ella, leave to use the restroom, throwing her into the mix.
The rest of the details needed for this crime
were there: the opportunity and the
timing. Otherwise you either believe the
nephew’s story or you don’t.
This was a
simple story but basically it worked. The
pacing was good. What would make it Five
Star? Better character development, more
misdirection or red herrings, and a believable motive.
22 comments:
I see what you mean, Jody, about the mirror. I didn't catch that until you mentioned it. If he had been looking into a mirror, he could have seen the figure he claimed hit him over the head. It didn't register with me about the position he was in on the floor, either, until I read the solution! I'm usually pretty good at picking up on clues, but I wasn't with this one. I have been taking a lot of meds for seasonal allergies, and I think I'm just foggy - more so than usual.
I thought it was unusual that there was no police involvement. I had to read the opening a couple of times to figure out who was narrating and how the characters were related. I did think the characters were an interesting mix.
With the word count, it's hard to write a perfect mystery and include all the details and necessary elements. It's possible that the editing process changes the structure of the story and important details are left out. Some stories are more flawed than others, but WW liked this one well enough to buy it, and that's what counts.Just hope I see one of mine in print one day!
I have a flash fiction piece published at www.alongstoryshort.net. It's called Grand Larceny and a Petty Thief. It's not suitable for WW, but still involves a theft. I didn't get paid for it, but that seems to be the norm for me. At least my work is out there with a byline and a bio.
@ Joyce. It is difficult to get the story in in 700 words, but not impossible. It's all in choosing the right words and knowing what you can leave out. Not everyone can write short and do it well. Tracie has written some great stories. This one was not my favorite.
Yes, WW, liked it enough to buy it, but that doesn't mean it's the best or worst story of the season. WW buys some pretty lame stuff sometimes. I have to wonder if they are trying to please every kind of reader possible; those that like crisp writing, those that can't follow a story well and like it simple, those that want hard clues, etc. That may explain the mix of stories we get. Because if Johnene liked a certain type of story, or had some kind of static guidelines, we'd always get the same type of story each week.
You have to consider this too, it's sort of like the movie industry. They pay millions of dollars to make a movie, and then it gets terrible reviews. Just because it's published, doesn't make it good but everybody still got paid.
I'll check out your story. Keep submitting and sooner or later, I'll be sharpening my red pencil for your story.
@ Joyce. Your story was delightful. Strong. Good characters. Believable dialogue. I didn't see the ending coming. You'll be in WW some day, I have no doubt.
Thanks, Jody. I've wanted to be published in WW for a long time. Maybe someday...
@ Joyce. Just curious. Did you submit your story to Ellery Queen? That's the type of writing they're looking for.
Jody, I didn't submit that story to Ellery Queen. I didn't think to check with that magazine. Mary Jo sent me links to Sherlock Holmes and Ellery Queen quide lines, so I will keep those in mind. I have just begun to dabble in mysteries and have subbed only 2 to WW. The first one made it to Seattle; the second is still out.
Your blog is a wonderful resource for information about police procedures and the law in general. I think it's important to provide accurate information in a story, and it's good to have a reliable source. You do a great job putting together the posts for us. I've learned a lot.
@ Joyce. Well, thank you. That was a nice thing to read over my morning coffee. :)
As I read the story, I thought of a floor to ceiling, wall to wall bookcase, so the mirror didn't work for what I imagined. The story was good, though. I also didn't catch the position on the floor.
Joyce, I really liked your story. I could just see Sonya's expressions. She reminded me of a character from one of those old nighttime soaps.
That is HITCHCOCK and Ellery Queen, Joyce. I checked the writing format they provided and it is old time information. I see they left two spaces between sentences. No one does that any more.
Good luck to all the writers out there who are putting together good stories and looking for a market.
http://www.themysteryplace.com/ahmm/guidelines/
http://www.themysteryplace.com/eqmm/guidelines/
For Alfred Hitchcock and Ellery Queen, these sites were good as of July 2014. Or so they say.
I thought this story was okay, not one of Tracie's best efforts. It's difficult for sure, to come up with the right formula for a WW mystery. The word count, in my opinion, is the biggest challenge. I thought Tracie had good characters, and the mirror was great misdirection. But I also thought your suggestions Jody, of having the niece and visiting friend be more suspicious while the crime occurred was a great idea. It would have created a stronger story. I will add, I think Tracie does a great job with the mysteries. On another topic, Jody, have you had stories published in those other magazines lately, and if so, what is the pay scale like?
@ Mary Ann. My last four sales were: Chicken Soup $200 plus 10 copies of the book; Ficta Fabula $100 CAD; Cosmo Uk, no amount given yet, just an email saying We love your story and want to publish it, sign this; and an anthology about grandmas, $30.
Can't quit my day job.
@Jody--LOL! Me either. Have you tried Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine or the Ellery Queen one? Seems like both would be a good match for your rejected WW mysteries, if the word count is bumped up, and they're expanded with details. You have the knowledge of police procedure to help yours, too.
@ Mary Ann. Although EQ says they buy whodunits (Shorter stories are also considered, including minute mysteries of as little as 250 words. Our rates for original stories are from 5 to 8 ¢ a word.) I only sent in one and got a rejection. AF also sent a rejection. I have two stumbling blocks with them. One, they like more mature, complicated, modern stories, which WW minis are pretty lame. So they need a lot of revamping. And I keep putting that task on the back burner. And two, I haven't mastered how to turn a whodunit into a satisfying full read. Joyce did a great job on that and I've saved her story for further study. Some day.
How many of us find the WW mini mysteries memorable? I read Joyce's story days ago and it is still fresh in my mind; whereas, most of the WW ware passes through one brain cell and out the other. This is a shame because I know the authors have worked hard to fashion a mystery acceptable to the magazine. So what is missing here? The tone, the detail, the individuality? I honestly don't know.
@ Mary Jo. Just like the romances, they like them dumbed down to appeal to the masses. They have a lot of senior readers who like that sort of soft wash story. It's just a style really. EQ and AF want more sophisticated stories, WW wants cozy cozies. Each has its readership. The key is we as writers need to be savvy enough and talented enough to be able to write to the market we are submitting work to.
How many of us find the WW mini mysteries memorable? I read Joyce's story days ago and it is still fresh in my mind; whereas, most of the WW ware passes through one brain cell and out the other. This is a shame because I know the authors have worked hard to fashion a mystery acceptable to the magazine. So what is missing here? The tone, the detail, the individuality? I honestly don't know.
Jody, sorry about the double entry. Firefox was not working for me.
I also submitted to Ellery Queen and received a rejection. It's true that it takes a lot to restructure rejected WW mini mysteries to meet their requirements, and with their pay scale, to me it's not worth it. I believe it would be better just to put your time and effort in creating more WW mysteries and submitting. The pay off is much greater in the long run. Just my opinion on the subject.
@ M. I hear you about the pay scale. My 'thing' is that I want to see my name and story in some of the more established magazines. For me anyway, it's not always about the money. I'd like to break into the Saturday Evening Post too. I don't even know what the per word rate is there. I've gotten two rejections from them. But I'll keep truckin'...
I understand entirely. When I began magazine article writing, acceptance and my name in print was first priority. But now I feel if you are going to put in the same amount of work on a possible two projects, you might as well choose the one that pays better.
@M D'Angona, I am with you. I work full-time, and still have one son in high school, and a new grandbaby from another, so when I get time to write, I enjoy it, but also want the biggest pay-off. Nothing compares to the pay scale at Woman's World for the length of the stories that you can submit. I do want to try other markets that I'm interested in at some point, (young adult, children's magazines, literary ones, classics like Saturday Evening Post, etc.) but for me it's a time thing, too. And I love getting the checks in the mail from WW. No doubt.
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