Friday, October 31, 2014

Appearing in issue #44, November 3, 2014


Title:  Cold case

By Author:  Gary Delafield

 

Tag line:    Whoever committed the murder would be spending a long time on ice!

Police characters:   Sheriff Travis Brown

The gist:    Real estate agent Terri had been showing a couple a house that had some appliances included in the price.  A large freezer in the basement was one of them.   When they went to look at it the husband jokingly said, “I wonder if they left us any steaks?”  When he opened the chest freezer they found another real estate agent.  He had been clubbed and stuffed into the freezer.  He had been at the house the day before and crime scene estimated that his body had been in the freezer since yesterday.

The real estate manager said that the victim irritated a lot of people and that he had a nasty sense of humor.  She checked her log and found that three other agents had shown the house yesterday.  The victim was the listing agent, so he insisted on accompanying all of them for the showings.  The victim did not have a key to the property, only the showing agents had keys.

The first agent, Marion, was a petite woman in her 60s. She confirmed that the victim had been with her when she showed the house, but had been alive when she closed up and they all left.  She suggested the police talk to the skinny blonde who just joined the agency, saying that the victim liked to flirt with the new ones. 

The skinny blonde turned out to be Terri, the woman who had found the body.  She said she forgot to mention that she had been with the victim the day before.  The same buyers who looked at the house yesterday with her had asked for a second look today, and that’s how they found the body. She said she had left the victim a voice mail so he’d know the house was showing again today, but he never showed up.  She claimed that she and the victim were not romantically involved.

 The third agent who showed the house yesterday was a man name Mike, a retired contractor.  He claimed that when he showed the house the victim told him he had a meeting later.  Mike didn’t know what the meeting was about and assumed the victim was headed off to a bar.

The sheriff knew who did it.

Crime scene:    The basement of a house being shown for sale.

Clues:    Where the body was found.  The time of death.  The victim had a nasty sense of humor.

Suspects:  The three agents who showed the house on the day he died.  Marion, a petite older lady.  Terri, a skinny blonde woman.  Mike, a former contractor turned real estate agent.

Red herrings:    Terri lied about being with the victim on the day he died.  

Solution:  Mike did it.  He was the only one of the three that could drag and lift a dead body into the freezer. Mike had asked Terri out but she had declined.  The victim teased Mike relentlessly about it even saying that Terri had accepted a date with him.  In a fit of jealous anger Mike clubbed the victim then put him in the freezer.  He was hoping to dispose of the body the next day, but Terri showed the house before he could do that.

My two cents:    Okay, I’m ticked off.  At first I thought, “What a great story, I can’t find the clue.”  Only a man would be strong enough to lift the body into the freezer. But the story didn’t say the how old the male was or talk about his build.  He could have been 85 years old for all we know.  And what if the two women teamed up?  An older lady and a skinny blonde could do it if they worked together.  So the clue lies in the motive.  I went back and read the story again.  No motive.

 The victim was the listing agent, so whoever sold the house, they would both make money.  Nobody really liked him, but nobody hated him either.  The older lady commented that he liked the ladies and hit on the new agents.   Still no motive.  The agent, Terri, who found the body, omitted the fact that she had been with the victim the day he’d been killed.  So she lied.  That’s suspicious, but that’s not a motive.  It was, however, a good red herring.

I anxiously turned the magazine to read the solution.  Then I frowned.  The reason I couldn’t find the motive was because the author didn’t give us one.  The motive was in the solution.  It was a long and drawn out. It explained how the fact that the victim had a nasty sense of humor played into the motive.  Readers hate that they can’t figure it out from the story.  They feel cheated, and rightly so.

There are only seven reasons a person will kill (other than war, social violence, or serial killer/sociopath).  Jealousy is one of them, but you have to love someone to be jealous enough to take action.  You don’t kill every man who comes along and gets a date with a woman you just asked out and who said no.  The motive sucked.

Loved the title.  The tag line was clever.  There was a missing word and a bad comma in the second column. (Harrison Walsh, had been clubbed in the basement the washer, then his body stuffed in the freezer.)  I’m thinking it was a fast edit and it got missed in the chopping.   Even after three edits by the publisher, my book still has one typo.  Very annoying.  But it happens.

It was an interesting premise, the writing was crisp (although I’m not a fan of  She said with a sneer.  Too much telling vs showing) and the pacing was good.  Two stars for the above.  The unbelievable motive and missing details in the story eat up the last three stars.

26 comments:

Susan said...

Lol. I assumed it was the man because the women were old and/or small. I guess we all know men are far superior in strength. ;-) Or at least it is presumed, therefore no motive was needed for us think it could only be the man. If I were a feminist I might be mad about that assumption, but instead I think it's rather funny. Afterall, I always get my 6' 7" son to get things off the upper shelves in my kitchen. Oh, aren't we all genteel? (Now, I'm just having fun.) I did like this story. It reminded me of an episode of The Ghost Whisperer.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Susan. No sense in raising a tall son and not have him fetch stuff off of tall things. That would just be wasteful.

You notice this story is written by a man.

Just once I'd like to see someone get killed that everybody liked, wasn't a mean SOB, and didn't kick dogs.

Mary Jo said...

I liked this story. The writing style was very smooth, and in the end I had to laugh at the solution which was so obvious it was just hiding in plain sight.

ginny swart said...

Sometimes you wonder why some stories are chosen - no real motive and no good clue? There must have been loads of better ones languishing in the slush pile ( mine, for instance!)

Anonymous said...

I adore you guys you are all awesome!!!! I wish I can write as good as you do... I'm an amateur writer...

Chris said...

I liked this in a so-so way but the early typo did invade my concentration and I found that distracting. There was something missing for me which I couldn't quite put my finger on and then you raised it in your critique and I realised what it was - the motive wasn't hidden in the story and we had to wait until the reveal for the extra bit of info that would have helped us work it out. Nicely written but slightly unsatisfactory for that reason.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Mary Jo. Gary is no newbie with WW. His writing is very polished. I wonder what other things he's done. Maybe we have a budding John Floyd here.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Ginny. Yes, like yours and mine. You just never know what is going to tickle Johnene's fancy. Some element of this story appealed to her and also made it past the EIC. Wish I knew what it was. It had the element of 3, which is pretty standard. Maybe it was the first body stuffed in a freezer? Dunno.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Anonymous. We all started with a blank page and a desire to write. Keep writing and take every writing class you can. The more you do it, the better you get. Both Kate and I offer critiques on our sites. Or join a writing group and find a couple of writers who will cast a critical eye over your story once its done. Take whatever advice they give you and really consider it. Sometimes it won't be a good fit for you, and sometimes it will help you grow. I guess what I'm saying is try not to be too defensive (and that's hard to do because it's your heart and soul on that page) and use their comments as a learning tool.

I once had a successful author look at the first chapter of my novel and tell me I used the word she too many times. Instead of considering what she said and why she said it, I ran and got a few pages of a Nora Roberts book and pointed out all the 'shes' in it. I was told that Nora can get away with it and a new writer can't. I wasn't happy with that answer because to me I was writing the same as Nora but I just wasn't as famous. But as time went by and I settled down, I realized the author was trying to tell me to write deeper. It's not very interesting to read "she did this, she did that, she did this other thing". Nora's fans don't care if her writing sometimes is lagging...they'll buy anything she does. But my writing has to stand out and be fun and interesting to catch the eye of the editor. From that moment on I never 'talked back' to a critique, I interpreted the message and applied it, and it's made me a better writer.

Thanks for stopping in. Come by anytime.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Chris. I recall Tamara telling us she got a note from Johnene saying that the clue had to be in the story, but there was no mention of motive. Maybe motive is not one of the important elements she's looking for but to me it's just a senseless killing without a motive. If there's no rhyme or reason the reader can't possibly figure it out.

For me there are five elements to consider in these stories. In the order of importance they are the clue, the motive, believable characters/situations (this includes their actions and also the police work), sharp (not clichéd) writing, and pacing. Loosely, that's how I come up with the star ratings.

Peter DiChellis said...

I’m new to reading your blog (found it via Sleuthsayers) and enjoy your procedural posts and reviews.

I'd like to submit a mystery to WW and wonder whether you could provide a bit of info I don’t see in the guidelines.

Does the author submit a tagline and, if so, does it count against the 700 words? Or do the editors write the tagline?

Thanks for any info you can provide.

Jody E. Lebel said...

@Peter. Thanks for stopping by. Johnene, the editor, likes to write her own tag lines for the stories. But just to be clear, you don't include the tag line or the title in your word count, just the body of the story along with the solution. Keep us posted on how the submission goes.

I'm old school and I always submit with a cover letter, (although frankly I can't say I know that they are read) and I sometimes put a clever tag line at the top of the letter sort of as a hook. But I don't include it on the first page of the story. Johnene did not use my lines in the published stories, so that says a lot.

Peter DiChellis said...

Thank you, Jody. Really helpful and appreciated. I'll definitely let you know how the sub goes. (Though months from now, I imagine.)

And best wishes for your submissions!

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Peter. No problem. I do offer a line by line edit for a small fee if you ever feel the need. Check out the details on this blog site under the picture of the elephant suffering from rejection. I've gotten several writers to the final stage and under Johnene's nose. Of course, from there... it's a matter of luck and timing.

Chris said...

Great to see some new names appearing here, isn't it. I've yet to sell a single solitary thing to WW, despite years of trying, but I know with the help of the bloggers here that I'll get there one day. Meanwhile there are dozens of other mags to try around the world. Just sold another to Fast Fiction in Australia. A nice boost to end the week on. Don't be afraid to look further afield, folks.

Jody E. Lebel said...

Chris is right. I've got 19 submissions out at the moment, only two of them are WW. Most of my others are reworked WW rejections, but a couple I wrote for general audiences. No romance in them. Humor pieces.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jody! Do you know how I felt when you bothered giving me helpful advices? I felt really great!!! Thank you!!!

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Anonymous. You're welcome. Tell me, what part of the world are you writing to me from? I have a lot of people from many countries that read this blog. I'm just curious.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm from somewhere in Asia. But yeah, I'm a fan of you...

Chris said...

Anonymous, don't be shy, use a name even if it's jut a tag. Do they have fiction in any of the women's mags in your part of the world? We're always on the lookout for new titles to try. I'm based in England but have had several stories in New Woman, India. I also used to write for the website 4IndianWoman, but sadly it folded some years ago. Is that your neck of the woods? I've never been able to find any other English language mags in Asia that use fiction. There used to be one called Azizah but the last copy I've been able to locate online is dated 2011, so I suspect that's no longer around either. Any info you can share?

M D'Angona said...

Chris, What are the subject topics for Fast Fiction in Australia? Thanksfespox genus

M D'Angona said...

Thanks, ignore the typo at the end

Jody E. Lebel said...

@Anonymous. :)

Chris said...

The new guidelines for Fast Fiction can be found on www.thatslife.com.au/FastFictionGuidelines

They should give you an idea of what they are looking for.

Anonymous said...

Im just thirteen, actually... I write a story for some website, yes, but have not finished it yet. I have friends that says i write good, but i guess they do just because they're supposed to, since they're my friends, so i think their compliments does'nt count? Haha... I dont know why im saying this... But i am...

Jody E. Lebel said...

@ Anonymous. Good for you that you have a passion for writing at an early age. It may lead to something later on, or maybe you will just write for your own enjoyment. Either way you have enriched your life.

Six authors who published before the age of 20.

Kody Keplinger was 17 when "The Duff: Designated Ugly Fat Friend" was published by Poppy in 2010.

Hannah Moskowitz was 18 when Simon Pulse, Simon & Schuster's teen imprint, published her first book, "Break," in 2009.

Stefan Bachmann's "The Peculiar" was published by Harper Collins in 2012, when Bachmann was 19.

Cayla Kluver was 19 when Harlequin Teen published "Legacy" in 2011.

Vahini Naidoo's "Fall to Pieces" sold to Marshall Cavendish a week before the author's 18th birthday in 2010. It published in 2012.

Dan Elconin was 17 when "Never After" was published in 2009 by Simon Pulse.