Title:
Catching a ride
By
Author: Arthur Vidro
Appearing in issue #36, September 9, 2013
Tag line: The men in the car soon discovered that the hitchhiker was
one smart cookie!
Police characters: None.
The gist: A man
is starting a job tomorrow in another city.
He falls asleep in the terminal and misses his flight, which was a short one as these cities are kind
of close, but his bags had already been loaded and are gone. He has very little money so can’t rent a car
but wants to get to his destination to start work tomorrow. He decides to hitchhike. Two shady guys pick him up. He can’t sit in the back seat because there’s
‘stuff’ back there and what looks to be a rifle butt. The guys make him sit in the middle of them
in the front seat. He gets in the car
because he wants the ride, but he’s nervous and doesn’t speak to them. The guys are scruffy, unshaven and wearing
dirty clothes. They seem edgy and
nervous. A few miles down the road the
state police pull them over, guns drawn.
These guys are bank robbers. The money is in the back seat. Our man tells the cops he’s a hitchhiker and
not with them. The two bad guys tell the
cops our man is lying and he is, in fact, the master mind. One guy leers and says, “He’s the guy who
planned this.” Our guy tells the cops to ask the two men one question. They ask it.
The cops let our guy go. So …
your mystery this week is to figure out what the one question is.
Crime scene: On the road, in a car.
Clues: He doesn’t speak to the two men.
Suspects: None.
Red herrings: None.
Solution: The question is “What’s your master mind’s name?” They hadn’t asked our man his name and he
never gave it.
My two cents: Okay,
this one is pretty lame.
Here’s where it’s a benefit to know
what you’re talking about before you write your story. Many, many, many times I have heard in court
that the bad guys don’t know each other.
They seldom know each other’s last names.
They sometimes know a first name, but almost always just call each other
by some street name. The state police
(which was capped in the story but should not have been) know that and that
wouldn’t convince them our man wasn’t part of the robbery because the two
doofusses didn’t know his name.
How about a copy of his airline ticket
to prove who he was and where he had been before they picked him up? His bags went on ahead. He had his airline ticket on him with his baggage
claim tags stapled on it.
I had to laugh at the characterization of
the bad guys. Dirty. Unshaven.
Scruffy. Truly not your typical bank robber. More like a drug buyer.
I question the use of the word ‘leer’. To leer is to look lasciviously. Huh? Maybe the author meant ‘jeer’? I'm not a big fan of writers having folks jeer, snort, scream, gush, simper, or sneer out their words. It's lazy writing. All telling and no showing.
Why the two guys want to involve this
hitchhiker makes no sense. It’s not like
they’re saying they didn’t do it, they did.
They admit robbing the bank but tell the cops our man is the ring
leader. They got pulled over very
quickly after picking our man up. They
didn’t have time to have a fight with him or get annoyed with him in any way
that would warrant them wanting to get him in trouble. It just doesn’t work.
And lastly, no bank robber with the guns
in the car and a bag of money in the back seat is going to pick up a hitchhiker
during his getaway.
12 comments:
I do not know all the ins and outs of committing a crime, but my first reaction to the payoff was for the crooks to say they only knew him by "Chief" because he wouldn't tell them his name. Chris mentioned to me that this story was based on a joke that was going around on the internet. Well, wherever you can get inspiration.
Jody, even though you did not like this one because of the details, I thought the author managed to get a lot of atmosphere into those 700 words. A little nightmare scenario.
@ Mary Jo. It WAS a bit Alfred Hitchcocky. It had a few good moments. Something a bit different. That was refreshing. Also in the first person. Too bad it wasn't crafted better.
Putting all those reality checks aside (which I know with your legal background you find difficult, Jody), I thoroughly enjoyed this. It hooked me from the start, was intriguing and felt like a real short story instead of a crime devised to fit the mini-mystery mould. It put me in mind of those old fifties black and white films, all dusty roads, tumbleweed, and slack-jawed hicks, and I loved that. As Mary Jo said, I saw something similar a while back in one of those jokey urban myth things that do the rounds, so good on author Arthur Vidro for getting a mystery out of it - and if he didn't get it that way, perhaps he'll let us know. I've no problem with anyone getting inspiration that way, I've turned a couple of jokes into stories myself and got sales out of them.
For me, this story worked and I was happy to set aside all the 'oh, but this wouldn't happen' and 'they would have said that' type thinking and just sit back and enjoy the, umm, ride.
@ Chris. I did appreciate the fresh approach. It had a creepy feel to it. It had great potential. An easy fix for this would have been to have the robbers being spotted and chased down the highway and picked up a couple days after the heist...not having them pick up a hitch hiker DURING the getaway. And also have the police assume he was with them because, well...he was with them. But not have the bad guys claiming he was their ring leader. I don't think the reality checks had much to do with my job (other than the name thing)...but I admit I may have a bit it tunnel vision in that respect and either can't see it or can't separate the two. You know when you read something and you say, Oh puuuullleeez? It was all so stupid I just threw my hands up in the air.
The first thing I thought (aside from "This reads like an episode in the old Highway Patrol", which I love) was that no one hitchhikes anymore. But, I was happy for the author, who managed to think up the idea and create a story that got him into WW (and then to the bank). I didn't find it too much hokier than many of them.
@ Tamara. "I didn't find it too much hokier than many of them." That statement really struck me. The bar isn't set very high, is it? It's a shame, really. Some people have asked me why I bother with this blog. Another good question. It seems I'm wasting my time.
I'm puzzled as to why you would say that, Jody. I enjoy reading your reviews and learning why something couldn't actually have happened that way, so unless you do this hoping it might somehow influence what goes into the magazine, you certainly aren't wasting your time. Your blog gives us all a chance to swap thoughts and gently dig one another in the ribs about how differently we view things. It's fun and informative - job done.
Jody, there are all kinds of markets for the mystery genre. When the word gets around that you really know your stuff, I think that many aspiring writers can get a leg up by paying attention to your commentaries.
You gave me a helping hand with the WW mystery that I submitted, and we have yet to see how that works out. I also sent them another one which I did not show to you. I laugh out loud every time I read it. I did send it to Chris and I think she got the joke.
It seems your intent is to help writers understand what WW seeks and help them get published, and that's useful. You also provide educated plot possibilities and misques. I find your commentaries fun to read, especially when there's a touch of sarcasm, which I find amusing. If I ever get another one published, feel free to tear it to shreds; I know you'll do so with all due respect.
Do you mean The Waffle Club, Mary Jo? I got the joke of a couple of the names but I'm guessing the rest were probably better known in America than the UK.
Reading it again just now, I still enjoyed it but I'm wondering now if there aren't too many characters. I counted eight in total, a lot for 700 words. I still think it's a neat little story though, so good luck with it.
Yes, that's the one, Chris. Yes, there were a lot of characters, but the whole Waffle Club was gathered around the table, and you had to pay attention to know who did it. Anyway, I thought it was funny.
Hey, I put my name in. Where'd it go?
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